Below is a sample of writing, followed by a typical editorial comment.
"Mr. Ravenscroft, Mr. Jed Parsons."
"Thank you Miss Jenkins. Would you please bring Mr. Parsons and myself some lunch?"
"Yes sir, would chicken salad be all right?"
"Yes, that's fine for me. How about you Jed?"
"That would be fine. I'm trying to watch my weight."
After lunch Mr. Ravenscroft said he felt as though he had known me for a
long time even though we had never met. He said I looked incredibly like my
father when he was my age. He also reminisced about the old days when he and
my father were both struggling defense lawyers taking any case they could get.
"Well enough of that. I must explain what your duties are around here."
Other than the grammar and punctuation problems with this example, what I see as the major concern is the author's lack of belief in his own writing. This section is very dry. I would recommend cutting the first bit of dialouge, and creating a conversation between the two characters for the rest. Let the reader see what is happening through the characters' actions. For example:
The maid introduced me to Mr. Ravenscroft, and brought us lunch.
here is a good place to have the main character react to the food- is it what he
expects? is he relieved that it won't affect his diet? or is he already planning to
stop to eat at a fast food joint on the way home? If it's not important that they
are eating chicken salad, consider cutting it.
This next section is a place to involve the reader. Let us know what is going on: is Jed uncomfortable looking like his father? Is Ravenscroft kind or cold? Work on this next section, letting the reader hear what the two men are discussing.
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